To You, Miss Itsumi
by Lady Yami
Summary: So...How the hell did Miyuki get control of the Dammerung? Answers the burning question in a slightly random, cracktastic, Wilhelmrific sort of way. Miyuki x Wilhelm CRACK. YES. I HAVE DONE IT.


To You, Miss Itsumi

By: Lady Yami

AN: How the hell did Miyuki get control of the Dammerung? A bunch of friends and I theorized MAGICAL SPACE ELVES but you know, I just don't think it's true…

And so it is that I, Lady Yami, claim the first Miyuki/Wilhelm crackfic.

Disclaimer: Lol, I really don't own Xenosaga. Really.

X x X

"Miss Itsumi."

Oh, Lord. An awkward position to be in, for sure. I, Miyuki Itsumi, systems programmer for the First R&D division of Vector Industries, am about to be fired. For sure.

The CEO of my massive company is behind me. There's no mistaking that silky, deep voice. I can practically see his face. The stark white hair, the wine-colored eyes. Ohh, how dreamy. Some people thought he was scary, or even pondered if he was in fact a modified human. Strange things tended to happen in his presence. I thought it was all bullshit. I would have loved to have just chatted with him. I had fantasized a lot about it, like every other girl in the company. I wanted my rich, young, handsome boss to come up to me and kindly tell me that I look less blargh-o than usual, and that he thought possibly some chow and a good time together with his credit card were in order.

He probably wouldn't phrase it like that though. Probably.

Now. Back to my predicament. There are three parts to it. If you must know, I have my arm up the soda machine, and was desperately clawing at a Mr. Fizzle. For you see, I have run out of money. My salary is really good, but I recently paid off most of my student loans, and then proceeded to buy three-hundred bucks in manga. That's right. Thirty pieces of manga. I bought everything I had ever been holding back on.

I didn't think anyone would be here, in the dead of night. Well, it's space so it always looks like night, but still. It's technically 3 a.m., and I have a date sim game I seriously need to finish. I am one cheesy chapter away from getting laid by every chick in the game. Astounding. I thought my thieving would go unnoticed at this ungodly hour, but no, apparently not. Apparently Wilhelm stalks around creepily at the wee hours of the morning. Most employees are lucky to see him once on a viewscreen. But hey, it seems I finally got my chance.

The second part is my mode of dress. I was wearing nothing but a long cotton shirt when I exited my room, and you better believe I didn't find a magical pair of pants in the drink machine. Normally the shirt is fine for quick trips for caffeine, but do the position I was in, my panties were somewhat showing. Luckily for me they were a cute new pair I had just recently bought on a shopping trip. But still. So. Oh the shirt was cute, too! Pin-stripes in white and red. Matched my panties even.

Aside from those details, comes the most important. It is also the final piece to my predicament.

My arm is stuck. Yes. In the soda machine. It's cold.

Okay, back to reality. "Miss Itsumi…are you alright?"

No, both in the head and physically. But lie anyway. "Y-yea! U-uh, I think the soda machine jammed and went to grab it and um—".

"Ah, I see."

Yes, he saw. THROUGH MY LIE. He knelt beside me to my complete shock. He was so close I could see his eyelashes, and the fact that his skin was millions of times better than mine. Ass.

"Um, I—".

He gently put his hand on my arm, and tugged quickly. My arm came unstuck, painlessly and effortlessly. My eyes must have been huge, because he tilted his head at me.

"No need to look so shocked, Miss Itsumi." He turned my arm and hand palm up, and ran a finger down it. My thoughts couldn't even form at that moment. Or rather, what did form was the phrase "GRAGGLEFRAKKEEN GRAWWRRRGLE." It was something like that. Close as I'll ever get, even to this day. His finger was thin and perfectly manicured. He stood straight, holding out his hand. I took it gingerly, feeling like a fairy tale princess. He raised me up with what seemed to be like too much strength for someone with his frame.

And then promptly things got alarming. He used his free hand to hold mine quite securely, then reached into his inside coat pocket and fished out a lusciously shiny black keycard. "This is the key to my room."

WHAT. IS HE. IS HE. IS HE…COMING ON TO ME? HAS HE BEEN WATCHING ME FROM HIS DESK, ON ONE OF HIS MANY VIEWSCREENS, STROKING MY HAIR, BUT TOO SHY TO TOUCH THE REAL THING? ALAS, FORBIDDEN LOVE BETWEEN INSANE ASIANS GIRL AND SEXY GERMAN BILLIONAIRES? Obviously, Wilhelm would be classy enough to woo someone he wanted to be in a relationship with first. So I guess this makes me a one-night stand girl. Well. Even that wouldn't be so bad. Except that I'm a virgin. There's that whole True Love Waits thing. I do wear the ring! Maybe he likes virgins?

"It also contains the over ride code for the auto-pilot system. Should something happen, I trust your skills in systems programming to make sure things stay on course."

There was a sinking feeling in my chest as he carefully put the card in my hand. He then brushed his fingers under my chin, to make my eyes lock with his.

"You will do me this one favor, Miss Itsumi?"

I nodded weakly.

"Splendid. I have to do some…errands. If things do not go well, I will leave the ship and its' inhabitants safety to you. I would also ask that you not tell anyone else."

"S-sir?"

He smiled slowly. Oh Lord. I am approaching critical hormone level. My ring was starting to melt.

"Very well then. It was a pleasure as usual, Miss Itsumi. I will also leave you a gift" He folded his hands behind his back and placed a neat kiss on my forehead, before turning and striding down the hallway. O-Oh my God—

"Whatever you're doing sir, g-good luck"!

He turned, and paused to smile at me. "By the way, lovely outfit." He then kept walking, ever so calmly, into the shadows.

GACK. I kept one hand on my forehead, and held the glittering card in my hand. I put it carefully in my front pocket, and started to stand. I was just turning back to my room when there was a loud clanking sound from the drink machine. About four sodas popped out and into the dispenser, a couple rolling onto the floor.

I starred at them in wonder, pressing the keycard against my boob, ironically. _Strange things happening around him_… I gulped, my mind straying to various theories. Oh well. I picked up my sodas, and skipped off back to my room to play my date sim game, wondering why I was just given control of a multi-billion dollar warship and if my employer was possibly the Anti-Christ in a very nice suit.

Feh, I'll worry about it later.

AN: XDD…I've wanted to do it for so long…I CLAIM THE FIRST IN THIS CRACKTASTIC PAIRING. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. C'mon, you know they'd be hilarious. I feel tempted to write more. But I wonder how many flames I'll get. Oh well. There's NOWHERE NEAR enough Wilhelm. stabs fandom


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